Phases of Trauma

Reflections on “Healing Developmental Trauma” by Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre made by Mae

What does NARM stand for?

Neuro

Affective

Relational

Model

The Neuro Affective Relational Model or NARM states that we have 5 basic core needs:

1. Connection

2. Attunement

3. Trust

4. Autonomy

5. Love/ Sexuality

Connection

Connection with ourselves and with others. Do you feel connected to your family?

Attunement

Attunement to our emotional and nutritional needs. Do you listen to your body when you need to eat/ stop eating? Do you eat foods that love you back?

Trust

Trust in oneself and in others. Can you trust yourself to do what you say you will do? Can you trust others and ask for help when you need it?

Autonomy

Autonomy to say no without guilt. Do you feel like you are a people pleaser or can you say NO when you need to?

Love/ Sexuality

Love and sexual expression without fear of rejection. Do you feel bonded with your partner?

NARM works to support personal and cognitive development in everyone but especially adults who were traumatized as children and struggle with survival mode triggers.

Survival Mode Triggers 

• Needs not being met

• Neglect/ Abuse

• Failure on caregiver’s part 

Survival Mode Triggers Show Up As

• Difficulty relating to others

• Difficulty processing emotions

• Disconnection from self

• Constant need for distraction

• Unaware of one’s own needs

• Feeling like one’s needs are irrelevant

• Hyper independence

• Hyper codependence

• Need to always be in control

• Feeling like a burden when a need must be met

• Difficulty saying “No”

• Self esteem based on superficial qualities

• Insecure in bed

Survival Mode Triggers Impact

• Body - Breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, sleep, digestion, skin texture and color

• Mind - Self regulation, internal dialogue, ability to use whole brain

• Relationships - Behavior, emotional patterns, attachment styles

Survival Mode Triggers Disarmed By

• Mindfulness

• Adaptation in the present moment

• Orientation towards strength

Self Regulation

What does a self-regulated person look like?

• When tired, they sleep

• When overwhelmed, they take a deep breath and schedule time off

• When stressed, they eat healthy food and find a way to move their body

• When anxious, they focus on what they can control like their reactions and their self care

• When depressed, they do not self isolate, they talk to someone who cares about them

If your caregiver did not show you these examples of self regulation, chances are, your foundation may need support.

Why Self Regulate?

• To feel at ease in the body

• To not feel controlled by the mind

• To reduce dependency on unhealthy coping mechanisms

Anyone who wants to feel more at peace in their body, mind, and soul can practice self regulation. 

Where to Begin

NARM connects you to the parts of yourself that are

• Organized

• Coherent

• Functional

There seems to be a lot of fascination with reliving old experiences in order to reconnect to your inner child. If we focus on the problem, we will only see more of the problem. But if we focus on the solution, we will see more opportunities to implement the solution.

TRY THIS

Think of a time when you were happy. Something went right. Everything was okay. This could be a small gathering, an intimate dinner date, or something fun you did by yourself. Notice the feelings that come up. Notice any warmth, aliveness, and expansion. Notice any other emotions you feel around that memory.

When we identify times in our life when we felt expansion and awareness, we practice mindfulness. 

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is an Eastern tool used for thousands of years to pay attention. To practice mindfulness, listen to your thoughts. Feel the sensations on your skin. Think before you speak.

It can be uncomfortable to practice mindfulness in a world that sends you messages, notifications, and memes all day.

We must work with the road we’ve got. Instead of ignoring roadblocks, recognize them. Organize them. Track them. Identify them. Support your biology and strengthen your core vitality by keeping your eyes open and being mindful of everything around you.

It’s tempting to dissociate. But when we are numb, we hold undischarged arousal in the body which manifests as either physical aggression (FIGHT) or physical tension (FLIGHT). When you can’t fight or run away, you end up storing that energy in your body (FREEZE). To keep the theme of connection alive, work with all of that energy. 

Feel all of your emotions. Not just the good ones but the ones that want to keep checking your phone, too. Recognize the deep underlying intentions behind each emotion. 

Trauma dims your life force energy by creating small and sometimes gigantic blocks in your energy field. You can ignore them or move them out of the way. Mindfulness is the tool you can use to allow yourselves to notice where those blocks are, move them to the side so that the light can shine bright again. 

Self acceptance is the answer. Be present with yourself. Being mindful is what makes self regulation possible. 

If you have a hard time being in the present moment, your defense mechanisms may look like

• Distraction

• Avoidance

• Control

Those things might have kept you safe in the past. However, if you want to move forward, you need major willpower to shift your thinking. Turning your awareness inward and experiencing your thoughts and feelings looks like 

• Slowing down

• Making room for difficult emotions

• Letting go of control

Negative Self Talk

Negative identification with oneself creates nervous system dysregulation. A distress cycle is created when we don’t get our needs met. 

Where does negative self talk come from?

When we don’t get our emotional needs met, we feel bad in our body. When we feel bad in our body, we feel bad about our body. It works the other way around, too. When the body experiences trauma, this then travels up to the neo cortex which controls your sense of meaning, beliefs, judgments, and self-image. Negative self talk can come from the opinions of others, sensations you have experienced, and how your needs were met in childhood.

There is no need to explore one’s endless personal history in order to study how it shows up in present day life. Recognizing the emotions in the body and their underlying core needs in the moment is the most important research we can conduct in our search for the phase of healing in the phases of trauma. 

Phase of Healing

Although self identification fully develops by age 5, our ability to expand our sense of self can grow with us until we die. Personal growth begins when we identify survival patterns and decide to break them when they no longer serve us. 

If you feel like you are caught in a negative loop cycle, the key to entering a new phase is to increase your awareness. 

When something shocks you, upsets you, or triggers you, notice what feelings come up and make lots of room for them. Name the emotions and intentions you feel, but do not identify with them. 

Identify with your core needs. 

Initially, it might feel impossible to break the cycle. As you increase your awareness, you realize just how human you really are. Be anchored by the breath. Instead of giving in to self hatred, apathy, or rigidity, let it go! You can lovingly ask yourself why you feel the way that you feel. Ask yourself what core needs have been unmet. Core needs don’t change, circumstances do. Work with your defense mechanisms, not against them. Make lots of room for discomfort and ride the wave until the waters of your mind are clear again.

Say this Mantra aloud 3 times

“I am strong and this will pass.”